I'm not ok and that's ok, I think

May 05, 2016  •  Leave a Comment

So I pretty much just have to full on admit I'm depressed. Its been around since my early teens so it's not a new thing. It's and old and boring thing that rears its ugly face from time to time. Sadly last year with all the bullshit with that guy taking me to court, knee surgery, gallbladder and liver issues..I never had my depression or anxiety peak. I was so proud of myself! Thought maybe I'm finally working out how to be a functioning adult after all considering lesser issues have sent me under. But nope, here I am again. Awesome!! 

It started out as stress worrying about work for the dole. Honestly nobody is going to get a job by picking up trash in a park but with the way my back is I was concerned. At the time I was concerned more about my knee but since March it's been pretty good. But I saw the GP about it and when I asked about my back last November he just about fell off his chair. Like its disability level stuff and I shouldn't be doing anything other than a desk job. Like I maybe could have told you that while I was at camera house, I hurt my back so many times there. FYI I have Sheuermann's Disease. I've probably spelled that wrong. I always do. When I was 8 I was diagnosed with scoliosis and nobody did anything about it. Fast forward to me being a 15 year old and I'm finding out I have mild scoliosis but I have that. Spent a year in a back brace even though they didn't believe it would help. By my age it was too late. Bones have pretty much set. Last year I thought it looked worse which is what prompted me to talk to the doctor. Five months later I'm still waiting for the neurologist appointment. 

Anyways that was stressing me out. Then I go back to TAFE when I hear there's a new photo course. Then that's added to the stress levels trying to get back into study mode and worrying FAR too much over an essay. I was still having stomach issues so I missed a few classes as well. Fast forward to week 9 and they announce we have a master class in 4 days and it's a huge assessment. Four days notice! I was in Melbourne then. So I have to prove that by showing my boarding passes and provide a letter on why I wasn't there. 

March is what seems to have tipped me over. A woman I tried to be friends with last year (because there aren't many females in the music scene that aren't married to someone in a band) has been telling people she thinks I'm fucking some guy. I realise this is nothing to get bent out of shape about but I am. I'm friends with this guy and that's it. But a week later this progressed to her telling me everyone thinks it. This left me wondering now how many people are gossiping about me or how many people she's talked about this too. Sadly I know what she's like and she has a big mouth. I haven't worked my ass off shooting bands for five years for her to badmouth me. I feel like it's an attack on my character. I never got into music photographer to be friends with bands or to hook up with anyone - the latter being a bit of an issue with some bands in Perth, they honestly believe girls at shows are there to hook up with someone holding a guitar and no other reason. This was something I never experienced in the punk scene and I loved it. I was there because I love the music and I love photography, why not combine them? Having my camera at a gig made me feel like I had a reason to stand up close to the stage. It helped me overcome some of my anxiety issues. Now any self confidence I had has gone. I'm second guessing everything I do now. I had two panic attacks while I was in Melbourne and started wondering what I'm even doing with my life apart from nothing and I'm not even sure what I want to achieve with my photography or how. I have no space to work in and this makes life harder because all the ideas I have I need room to work in. I can't just hire a studio. I want to be able to create the space for how I want it to look. I'm stuck and I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore. 

So I forced myself to go into the city with my Lensbaby for a photo walk. No idea what I'm doing but the plan is to not stop taking photos. Even if it's crap I delete. If I stop, I might not restart.

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