Goodbye 2019

December 22, 2019  •  Leave a Comment
life is a comedylife is a comedy

I am meant to come up with a plan for my life so I'm not just sitting at home doing nothing everyday and that I need a goal to achieve and structure. I get her point but you have no idea how hard that is. For one thing, me in high school didn't think I would be alive past 30 so I never aimed that high to begin with and my 20's were spent sociophobic and then caring for my mum. All I really wanted in life was to be like Andy Warhol. I LOVE him. I wanted a warehouse I could work in and have exhibitions with maybe bands and fun times. Which is a wild goal to have when you have severe social anxiety. The main goal was I wanted a studio space where I could paint the walls or create sets for photo shoots and I wanted to have an exhibition when I had enough photos I liked. I did try at one point and contacted a couple galleries but one wasn't happy with an exhibition of only 3 people. I have no idea why. Between the 3 of us we had enough work to fill the small space. So that didn't happen. 2016 I finally had my first studio space, which was too small for what I really wanted to do but it was a step in the right direction only I had to give up a year later because neck pain was too much to be able to work in there. Photography has decreased rapidly since then. Any goal I had is dead. My goal now is to get through each week. Between no money and pain I don't know what I'm meant to do with my life. It's hard making plans when any given day/week you're in severe pain or can't walk for no reason. I've spent the last two months trying to get back into drawing and it's hard. It's been so long since I've done anything and it's all pretty mediocre.

I told my psych that and she said great, set a goal - how? Firstly, I have to be happy with what I'm doing. I don't have a style of my own and I'm just trying to practice for now so I can get to the point of developing a style and coming up with my own ideas and not using prompts found on instagram. I'm a long way off achieving anything! The most I know is eventually I want to get back into printmaking but right now I don't have any ideas yet. I looked at drawing classes to maybe kickstart something but they're $300 for 6 weeks through TAFE. Something Art Therapy related could be cool too because I don't know how to express myself. 

So 2020 shall be interesting. I'm never going to have money between psych, spine west and the private pain specialist (but really what else is new?) but I might get to be pain free so I don't care! If anyone has any suggestions on how to have a functional life while living with chronic pain please leave a comment or message me. I'd love to hear other people's stories! 



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