Director: Rob Savage
Writers: Gemma Hurley, Savage, Jed Shepard
Actors: Annie Hardy, Amar Chadha-Patel
Have you ever watched a movie and then suddenly the title is on the screen and you're sitting here like "that's it?" because this is the best way to describe Dashcam.
Dashcam is about Annie, a millennial who broadcasts her entire life singing awful songs she makes up while driving. Think Tyler from The Visit with his improv rapping only a thousand times worse. Annie is a covid denier, anti vaxxer and thinks wearing a mask is oppression. It comes as no huge shock that she also owns the red "Make America Great Again" cap. She's one of the "why are we in lockdown when there's a 90blahblah percent survival rate" people. I don't know Annie, maybe because some people will fucking die if you don't.
She travels to England to see an old friend named Stretch and we get a glimpse of just how self-entitled she is. As she arrives at his home she disses the "All lives don't matter until black lives do" sign in the window then uses the hidden key to let herself in. She walks into his bedroom where he's asleep, spits into her hand and slaps him with full force. No huge shock that Stretch and his girlfriend Gemma react badly to the sudden invasion. The following morning, Gemma gives Annie some hand sanitizer and rather than just rub that shit into her hands and be a half decent house guest, she rubs it on her clothes instead like the juvenile she is. Annie decides to hang out with Stretch while he goes to work and trashes him for trying to survive life during a pandemic doing some kind of UberEats work and then goes full 'Karen' when asked to wear a mask by a restaurant.
Later on she overhears Stretch and Gemma talking about her so she decides to do the only thing a respectful human would do: finds a hotel room. LOL just kidding, this bitch steals their car for a joyride. Who cares that Stretch can't work today. Who needs to pay for rent or electricity anyways?!
While out and about there's a notification that Stretch has some food to deliver so she heads to the restaurant to score herself a free meal and instead ends up with some old lady and a location to drive her too. This is basically where the plot line ends. Stretch wants his car back and we have Annie driving this old woman around who has an Arianna Grande tattoo and shits her pants. The most horrorific scenes in this movie involve dodgy coloured poop. Include some running around in a forest, crashing cars, rubber duckies and some levitating and that's the rest of Dashcam.
Stretch: *steps on a needle*
Annie: Don't be a little bitch
It's called AIDS Annie.
There's another character in this film who keeps trying to shoot them as well. I guess a point can be given for breaking her arm. That looked nasty. Her role was there to tell us that this little old lady was her 16 year old daughter. I know I was really bored watching this but I am 100% certain there was no explanation for why this 16 year old looks like she's in he 70's, why she was lying on the floor of a diner in the first place, why her mouth is stapled shut or whatever the fuck she turned into at the end. So like I said, no plot.
Knowing this was by the same team who made Host back in 2020 I had very little expectations of this movie being interesting to watch and somehow I'm still sitting here deeply unimpressed. How can a movie have three writers and they still can't put a plot line together? This movie is straight up fucking horrible. In under five minutes I hated this woman and didn't care if she lived or died by the end of the film, in fact I really hoped she was going to die some horrible gruesome death but no such luck. Generally speaking, a horror film is meant to give us a protagonist that we're rooting for to survive. As for the film quality itself - it's so shaky in parts you don't know what you're looking at and I just don't know how this became a subgenre. The sound quality was amazing though for something allegedly filmed on a tiny portable camera. Also she has incredible battery life on that thing, she was broadcasting the entire time. I don't even know why this is called Dashcam, it's her iPhone.
So to finish up. Walk outside and turn on the video setting. Shake it solidly for 90 minutes and go back indoors. You just made your own horror movie.